What ‘leaving to cleave’ does not mean.
– A Crowd-the-Platform piece by Dr Wisani Makhomisane
A preamble from Toyin:
I don’t often put pieces on my platform without making significant edits. I also do not often do pieces that are squarely focused on matters like parenting, or marriage (which is interesting because these are very definitive aspects of who I am.)
However, when I read this piece by Wisani, which she wrote as a Facebook status update, I was like, “I need to get that on my platform!”
Because, The Narrow Gateway is all about supporting you in your bold quest for ‘that God life’. We support you by triggering you to instinctively seek, find and align your life to “the narrow way”, which the Bible says, leads to life. When you do so, you will experience ‘the God life’, and it will become a reality for you.
You see, as you amble along the pathways of life, you will encounter many perspectives and world-views. Now, if I am wrong, say so. But isn’t it true that the vast majority of us choose what perspective to align our lives with, based on what is the most logical, or what proves to be the most comfortable for us? Basically, the vast majority of us will opt for what the Bible calls, ‘the broad way’ or the ‘easy way’ (Matthew 7:14-15).
But that is not ‘the God way’. The God way is always the way that brings peace, healing, love, restoration, forgiveness, hope. It is always the way that glorifies God and brings people together, under God. And of course, that way most often requires sacrifice. It might pinch. It might displace. It might even have unfair results.
But…Someone always has to pay a price. Right? For the goodness we want to see in the world, and in this case, in our marriages, someone has to pay the price. Right?
But that should not surprise you, if you have chosen to do life on ‘the narrow way’. Because the narrow way was paved by Jesus, the one who paid the ultimate price – He gave His life in the most excruciating of deaths, so that you and I could have access to an intimate and unhindered relationship with God.
That’s why I decided to share Wisani’s piece. Because it hits the nail on the head on a matter that even the most ‘spiritual’ of us struggle with. It sheds a bright light on ‘the narrow way’ in this area of marriage and family.
Right at the end, I will share some Bible passages that anchor this piece. Wisani was not trying to be spiritual here. She was just speaking about a matter that is clearly quite close to her heart. And I am so proud of her for daring to say it like it is, even though this might not be the most popular mind-set going around right about now.
Since we are talking divorce (celebville):
Leave to cleave, cannot mean him not building his mother a house (his lifelong dream).
Leave to cleave, cannot mean not paying deposit for tuition in January for her younger sibling.
Leave to cleave, cannot mean no medical aid for his/her mother, just so you can afford the R100,000 school fees for your children. Your children’s privilege cannot come at the expense of the health of his/her parents.
Leave to cleave, cannot mean his/her mother continuing on a domestic worker’s salary so you can drive a Mercedes.
Leaving to cleave does not mean that when my mother-in-law is sick, she has to be looked after by her daughter (ka Mani-mani) and not by me, at the Makhomisane residence…though when the tables are turned, my mother is always welcome at my house.
Not being able to look after his/her sickly mother is not “leaving and cleaving”…..that is building animosity for life….
…Love and animosity cannot dwell in the same heart…
Most couples come from different financial backgrounds…..one partner comes from “Mama na Papa” where they stress about quaint stuff like changing their house windows to the aluminium-type (!) while the other partner comes from a family where their mother earns less than what the couple pays their “in town” domestic worker!
Leaving to cleave…
…it can never mean a child turning their back on their parents and siblings. In fact, if you ask your partner, you might find that that very family member that you want him to turn his back on was the one who suffered so that he could gather 10% of his tuition, so that NAFSAS could pick up the ball from there and do the rest!
I would suggest that when it comes to the matter of supporting family, a couple should have a real and open discussion, before tying the knot, about what they think ‘leaving to cleave’ means.
Perhaps each partner should write a list of what they would like to do (especially financial and end-of-life matters) for their parents, so that both parties get into the marriage having an understanding and an expectation of what is to come – and also having a mindset that they are partners in caring for one another’s family members.?
Everything in life, not to mention in marriage, should be done with the aim to build relationship, to build family and to entrench love. Everything. And friend, refusing to provide genuine, reasonable care for those who your spouse bears a healthy responsibility over, simply because it might mean you give up some luxuries, like getting those shinier wheels, is hardly a home building move, by any means.
One more thing…
…this ??has nothing to do with whether your in-laws love you or not. Ouch!
Toyin’s Closing Comments
For some Biblical support on the views in this piece, please check out:
Matthew 25:31-46. The thrust of this passage is that whatever we do for the weakest among us, we do it for God, and He is no man’s debtor. He cannot owe you. He will reward you for caring for others, even at the expense of yourself.
Wisani is a medical doctor, wife and mother of three lovely kids. She lives in South Africa and I personally know her to be passionate about her home, her marriage, her kids, her work as a medical doctor, and about God.
Thanks Wisani for this piece. Brace yourself for the comments *winks*.
The B.O.O.M Walk Program by Toyin Oladiran
We all come from somewhere. We all have our battle scars. We all have those life experiences, past or even ongoing, that have forced us into shadowy corners in our lives, preventing us from living fully, loving fully and most of all, serving God to the uttermost.
Some of us have carried on in this way, and gone on to do life ‘normally’, to become pastors, engineers, fathers, builders, lovers, secretaries, government officials, wives, teachers, sports coaches, gym instructors, you name it. Yet many are living a façade; a classic tale of smokes and mirrors. Many are carrying around, and being defined by those pivotal life experiences. Many have learnt to accept that this is just the way life is – living with and from the baggage.
What’s your scar? Where does it come from? Is it still driving your thoughts and responses to life? Are you tired of your scars keeping you wedged off into the fringes and sidelines of life, constantly angry, bitter, frustrated, rejected, insecure, proud, self-righteous … etc?
That’s what you and I will be tackling with the HOLY SPIRIT in The B.O.O.M WALK PROGRAM.💥
This Program is for EVERYONE…
…Yes, I said EVERYONE!
Be careful now. Do not think that only people who struggle with what we erroneously call ‘the big sins’ like murder, slavery, adultery etc struggle with the ‘Old Man’ (‘B.O.O.M’ stands for ‘bow out, Old Man’). Yes those are reflections of the ‘Old Man’ at work, but for the vast majority of people, the traits of the ‘Old Man’ are way more subtle, and internal.
I’m talking anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, self-righteousness, pride, fear, insecurity, rebellion against God, inferiority complex, lack of self-control…the list can go on.
The ‘Old Man’ thrives in secrecy… it’s all about the state of the mind, isn’t it?
Come on. Do not be afraid! And do not settle for more of the same!
Click here now to indicate your interest and to begin to prepare your heart and your spaces. The kind of transformation we are talking about here does not come by the click of a finger, neither does it come by lurking in a spectator’s seat. You need to take a bold step, own who you are and where you are at, and come along, for The B.O.O.M Walk Program.
I cannot WAIT to work with you. And if I am so excited about it, imagine how God, the Incredible Lover of your soul feels?😉
Hugs and Love,
Toyin Oladiran (Christian Transformational Coach and Creator of The B.O.O.M Walk Program)
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