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Here is the List of the Values a Parent Should Embrace to Raise A Child With a Wholesome and Biblical Relationship with Love, Sex and Intimacy:
- Be on time. “The talk” is not an event. It starts from when the child is very young and can appreciate the concept of privacy and consent and value, and love, and respect.
- Be intentional. Do not do it by the way, or as an after thought. Be purposeful, be targeted. Be intentional about praying for your child, about forging the kind of relationship of trust with your child that allows for these conversations to thrive, about placing around your child a framework of trusted people with Godly values who can bolster your message to your child. Be intentional about where you live, the kind of work you do or whatever else you spend your time on, and whether it allows you to have physical, mental and emotional space to be there for your child.
- Relationship. All this needs to happen in the context of a wholesome, trusting and secure relationship that you have with your child. It is through your relationship with your child that your child gets a sense of identity, worth, value, self-respect, self-confidence. These are all critical values that will shape a child’s thoughts and actions when they are faced with decisions about love, sex, intimacy. Further, through your relationship with your child, build trust. You cannot expect that your child will be comfortable to open up to you and to listen to you share about these concepts if you, as a matter of general life, do not engage in a purposeful relationship of love and intimacy with your child. Relationship is key.
- Share God with your child. Yes you need to pass onto your child a strong sense of security, worth, identity, love, value, but if you do not also pass on GOD, then you would have raised a strong and confident kid who has a strong sense of value and self-worth, but who sees no reason to submit to the God who created love and sex. We want our kids to believe and to know that they were created to love and serve God. Otherwise, your strong, confident, self-assured child will not see why he/she should submit to the word of God and what it teaches about love, sex, intimacy and relationship. You cannot force a child to believe in Jesus. But you sure can introduce your child to Him, by the way you live, and by what you teach. The rest is in God’s hands.
- Lean on your own story. Be honest and seek to help your child learn from your mistakes. Some of us have colourful pasts. We were not always on the “straight and narrow”. Do not pretend or hide it from your child. Be open and wisely use your testimony and the work God has done and continues to do in your life as a tool to help your kid understand who life can work, but also how merciful God is.
- Model the biblical values about sexuality in your own relationships. Another place where parents struggle is that they want to pass on biblical values about sexuality but they themselves are not living true to the biblical values. So let’s say the child is growing up in a home where the parents are always fighting and they do not respect one another, perhaps there is infidelity, or just plain old lack of love and friendship. So the child has no example of love and intimacy, of passion between two people who are fully licensed (by marriage) to share that passion. Of partnership, equality, respect for one another, and one another’s bodies. They do not know what it is like for a man to honour a woman’s body and for a woman to have the power to say no, without being victimised. Many kids have their first exposure to abuse in their very homes. Some kids have to watch their mothers stay in abusive relationships and continue to be abused and overpowered. When a kid grows up in that kind of environment, how do you convince him or her that this is not normal and this is not what life has in store? Model the values
- Model the values in your lifestyle. There are also parents who are teaching their children “biblical values” but if you look at their lifestyle, they themselves clearly are not living those standards if one considers the things they watch on TV or online, the kind of music they watch and listen to, the lifestyle of the celebrities they follow, the kind of parties they throw or attend, the friends they bring into the house, their dating relationships (if for example you are a single parent). The kind of language they use, or approve of. If some of these things are not compatible with the values that you are trying to convince your child he or she should follow, you may be missing it. Passing down biblical values about anything, especially sexuality, has to be modelled. It cannot just be taught. A parent cannot insist on his/her right to live a certain way, but expect his/her child to somehow buy into values that do not really flow from the lifestyle that they see their parents living.
- Don’t give up! None of us are perfect and none of us is going to get all these things right. But if we stick our hands in God’s hands and genuinely work with Him, He will carry us through. Even if we mess up, or have already messed up, i believe God is able to steer our kids in the right way. He is able to help them navigate life in this highly sexualised world, and even if they make mistakes, He will journey with them to redeem them, just like He did for you and I. So don’t give up. Be intentional. Make purposeful choices and then just do it, trusting God to be the One who blesses your efforts!
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Don’t let culture hold you back. These days we have to go by the culture our kids are growing in and learning from, not the culture we grew up in. Introducing Biblical Sexuality to our children is not “one talk” that you have with your kid one rainy day after you got a horrific video on WhatsApp about “what kids are getting up to lately”! You want your child to embrace love, sex and intimacy in a wholesome, Biblical way? Then embrace intentional parenting. In other words, embrace a lifestyle and an ongoing discourse that breeds wholesomeness in them by what you say to them, what you demonstrate to them, what you expose them to, what you allow them to get involved in and introduce to their world, how they see you live, how they see you love, how you build their trust, how they see you fall and rise again, what they learn from your mistakes…etc etc. Its all part of what you are doing already- intentional parenting. So it doesn’t have to be scary.
Our guest is Hayley Walker, a highly experienced Christian Parenting Coach, and I (Toyin Oladiran) am your host. We discuss the realities of the highly sexualised world we live in and the need to be intentional parents when it comes to Introducing Biblical Sexuality to our Kids.
Work with Toyin:Do you want to apply for an early spot in the B.O.O.M Walk Program? If so, please email me on email@example.comDo you want to work with me One-on-One or with your Group (church fellowship or Bible Study or group of friends) to work through the B.O.O.M Walk Program or to work through and overcome trouble spots in your walk with God or to forge a more intimate and deliberate relationship with God from which you are living in God’s unique purpose and plan for your life? If so, please email me on firstname.lastname@example.org